The Underachieving Asian.

So, I went to church today and during the mass, my mom asked me, ‘Do you really want to be a doctor?’

Let’s see. When I first started thinking about college, I originally wanted to take up a music course or something to do with the arts. But my parents said that I could just learn by myself and take that course up when I specialize on something more financially practical. I have to admit that I thought they were right about that because in case a career in the arts isn’t for me, I could just whip out my degree in something financially practical and get a job somewhere. So I thought about computer engineering since I have a certain special bond with gadgets (I mean with the world we live in, who doesn’t?) but my parents said that there’d be too much competition and that everybody uses computers anyways. So after that I as blank for a while

Until I watched this Bollywood movie called ‘3 Idiots’. If you haven’t watched it, you should. It’s 3 hours long with the first few minutes a bore, but I tell you, it’s worth it. Anyways, one of the things Ranchoddas Chanchad said to his friends was:

‘Make your passion your profession, and work will become play.’

Needless to say, I was inspired. It was true. If I chose to do something that I loved, I’d live a happy life and not be stuck in a job I don’t like. Nothing else wouldn’t matter cause I’d be happy and content with what I’d have. And when I thought about what my real passion was, two things came into my head: Singing and Writing. I have to admit, my parents had a point that the music course was just something i could take up after I get a profession. And I’ve always dreamed about travelling the world and writing about my experiences. I love writing. And I’m not gonna lie, I know I’m good at writing too. But then I was also interested in science, particularly the wonders of the human brain. I think how the mind works is very interesting so I had Psychology in mind too. I could really see myself as some kind of Therapist giving consultation to my patients. So I had my heart set on either journalism or psychology.

But when I told my parents about journalism, they gave me a big fat NO. They said I’d just hit rock bottom if I took on journalism. Plus, journalists and reporters can make easy enemies. So I said ‘How about Psychology?’. My mom just asked me if I wanted to be a teacher because apparently, most people who take up that course in college end up being teachers. But I’d had enough. I mean, this was MY future we were talking about. I had to have a say in it because we were talking about ME. But I didn’t say anything to my parents about my anger because I was the type of kid to talk back. But my mom, who probably felt the tension coming out of me, gently said:

“Anak, I know that you want you do whatever it is that you want but please remember that your father and I are thinking about your future too. If you don’t get a good job, what will happen to you kids when your dad and I become too old to take care of you? We just want you to earn enough to give yourselves and your future families good lives.”

And then it hit me. If someone would ask me what I wanted to be in life, I’d always just shrug with a smile and say ‘HAPPY.’ But would I really be happy if I don’t do my part in making my loved ones happy too? Would I really live a good life seeing those who mean so much to me miserable? But I had dreams of my own too. And I don’t think I’d be happy if I didn’t get to chase my dreams.

When I told my parents I had finally decided on applying for Medicine, they were overjoyed. They kept telling their friends and our other family members that they have a future doctor among their midst. I felt happiest seeing them proud of me, so I thought I made the right choice in choosing a career in medicine. I don’t mind being a doctor anyway. In fact, I had actually already considered a career in medicine years before I started to seriously think of college but at that time, I figured I’d have have lots of time to think about it. But I never seemed to let go of my dream of becoming a Psychologist and I think my parents noticed that. Because when my mom asked me if I really wanted to be a doctor, I was silent.

Did I? I had already planned to take Gynecology as my specialty and I was very excited about it too— walking around a hosptial in scrubs,wearing a lab coat. But when I think about Psychology, some kind of longing grows in my chest. What do I really want? What would really make me happy?

Why is it that every time I look at my friends or people I meet for the first time, I always have this small feeling of intimidation in my chest? I have friends who are extremely beautiful inside and out— the kind of friends who are effortlessly beautiful. They’re great people and it kind of makes me guilty to think this way about them. I always have to live in their shadows. I think it all started with my sister, who is beautiful and smart and kind and the person who no one can help but loving. I mean babies love her, she’s a favorite among teachers in school, and even the people who’re friends with me but not that close to her would say how pretty she is,how cute she acts and our friends all love and respect her because she’s just so…good. I was the funny one. They’d just tell me I’m funny. They still do,actually. So for years, I was known as ‘Myeka’s Sister’ (to be clear about everything, my sister’s name is Myeka). I still am. There was even this one time where a friend invited us to a party. The invitation literally said ‘To the most beautiful girl I have ever known and her sister’. I kid you not, this really happened. And when we met up with relatives, people would say how much prettier my sister became from when they last saw her and they’d tell me I was pretty too but come on. I’m the funny one. So they’d give her all these compliments about her looks and her love life and her accomplishments while I, on the other hand…

…sit there like a fat ugly potato. No, scratch that. Potatoes are much more attractive than I am. I love my sister and she is my best friend in the whole world but sometimes, I wish that people would see us as two separate people with equal levels of sparkliness, not just a girl and her sister. It’s annoying how people compare us to each other when we’re clearly two different people. Yeah,my sister’s amazing but I know for a fact that I have my own great qualities too, whatever they are. And yes I’m not the prettiest girl on Earth..I know I’m pretty ugly and that I’m overweight, I’m not blind, but I also know that I don’t look like a foot either.

This is us. No trouble telling which is which, I guess. But you know what? I hate my insecurities. I want to get rid of them. It’s not healthy at all to be stuck behind these barriers when I could have the potential to do so many things. I’m young and I have so much to experience in life and so many mistakes to learn from. I have to learn new things and do new stuff that I would never even think of doing now. And I can’t do all those things if I think I’m not even good enough to try. It’s a new year so I have to make better changes to my personality. Imagine what would happen to us if we’re always held back by our insecurities; if we always give way to the people who we think are better than us. We’ll never make anything of ourselves. And I am determined to prevent that. Then I’ll finally be able to create a person of my own, not just someone who lives in the shadow of another.

Wow is it me or did that line sound so much better in tagalog? Not being racist or anything (I SWEAR. I AM COMPLETELY AGAINST RACISM. I find a few racist jokes funny but then again, who doesn’t?). I actually found that line in a Filipino quote thing, so credits to the person who made it! Anyways, I was listening to a particular song today and it made me think back to the very first guy I confessed to. Then I thought about all the other crushes I had in my life. And because I feel like listing them down, I will do so.

1. Aaron Carter- I was five and I was watching tv. I saw cute blonde boy and professed my love to him on the spot. A few months later, my sister told everyone I had a crush on Aaron Carter so I cried and hid by the stairs. Aaah the memories of first celebrity Crushes.
2. Some kid named Joshua- Here, I was six. He was my classmate back in prep class and we hated each other. Maybe that was why I liked him so much that time because the following year when we became first graders, we became friends and he wasn’t so attractive anymore.
3. A boy named Hari- He was my classmate in the third grade but I didn’t have a crush on him until I was 12. And by that time, I was already studying in Brunei, so we just kept in contact by instant messaging. The feelings went as quickly as they came.
4. ‘Houdini’. I’m using a nickname because this guy is still in my life- Now this guy was my very first crush here in Brunei. I was thirteen and he was my classmate. Well, we’d been in the same class from the 6th Grade until we graduated from high school, but that’s irrelevant. My freshman year was all about Houdini. He was the cutest guy in my batch and a lot of other girls were crushing on him too. I tried REALLY hard not to show him that I liked him but being a giggly 13 year-old really doesn’t help. To make it short, the whole batch found out and so did he. In retrospect, I didn’t really do a good job in keeping it secret. But what was a thirteen year-old to do? Now, we’re pretty close and he’s a good friend of mine. His girlfriend’s awesome too and we’re friends as well.
5. Basil- This is his real name. I honestly do not care if he sees this but then again, I don’t think he knows my tumblr. Anyway, this is the very first guy I confessed to. I met him at a church retreat back in 2009 and when we were put into groups, he became my group mate. He was nice and funny and he was a Chinese guy with a British accent. And I have a thing for the Chinese and the British so it was like a combo. And honestly, I really liked his smile. The smile is actually the first thing I look at in a boy. Anyways, I had a crush on him for almost two years. And since I was stupid, I actually got to muster up the courage to confess my feelings. I was relieved that he didn’t shoot me down but he didn’t say he returned my feelings either, so he kept me hanging for like almost another year. And the worst part was that we were pretty close friends so he would d all these nice and sweet things and I’d get all happy and giddy. I’d kept my hopes up. Then one day, I realized that nothing would ever happen between us and it saddened me a little bit. Okay it saddened me a lot. But I got over it eventually. It took longer than it was supposed to but now, I’m over it. And we’re still friends although we’re not that close now. Communications problems, busy schedules, I’ll never know. But it’s okay because I’ve learned from my mistakes. Now, this little crush I had is just another story to tell my friends.
6. Mr.2011. Now this nickname will stick because this guy knows I have a tumblr and I don’t know if he checks my tumblr a lot and I would never want him to know how I feel (unless he feels the same way which I highly doubt)- He is one of my best guy friends (and I have A LOT of extremely close and best guy friends) and we’re very close. I tell him a lot of things and he gets me. He doesn’t judge any of my opinions and he makes me follow my own advice— the advice I give people but too scared to follow myself. He’s the type of person who supports all the decisions I make even when others tell me to do otherwise. Yeah I have a lot of friends who do the same thing but they don’t make me feel the way he does; like I’m actually a decent person. And unlike the previous guy, I know for a fact that nothing will ever happen between us and I’ve accepted it. Plus, I’d rather have him as a friend than not in my life at all. I’ve gotten over him (believe me, I have) but there are still some left over feelings sometimes. So you can say I’m around 65% over him. But it’s for the best and you know what? I actually like what we are right now: Friends. Because that way, we’ll stick together. Okay, I sound pathetic but it’s true :P. We all got that one person we can’t have but are okay with it for some absurd reason. (No? Just me? Okay…)

And so, that concludes the list of guys I had crushes on. None of them ever liked me back but it’s a part of life, I guess and I don’t mind waiting for the right one to come. For now, I’m focused on enjoying my life and preparing myself for the new challenges that I’m gonna face in this new chapter in my life. Plus, it doesn’t hurt to look at a few (okay, a lot) of cute guys once in a while. Good things come to those who wait, right? So I thought why not enjoy while waiting? That way, that special time will come before I know it.

So I’ve been thinking about how much each generation the world produces gets more and more different. I’ve watched movies and listened to music and looked at the fashion trends from the 50’s-80’s and I have to say…WOW. The world we live in now is so much different. Okay it sounds kinda dumb because it’s obvious but I never really saw how different these generations are. I mean fashion-and-technology-wise, yes there is a very big contrast between past and present. For one thing, people actually wore more clothes in the past. And they had better movies. And music. And people.

I wonder what it’s like to live in the olden days, like the 1800’s where people were classier and when women had layers and layers of clothes that gave them an air of mystery. In my book, Mysterious=Sexy. And of course, some people had sex before marriage that time too, but it was considered improper behavior, wasn’t it? Not like nowadays where so called ‘ladies’ wear skirts that pass for belts with no underwear and wear tops three sizes smaller so they’re boobs can look like watermelons. Do we really want these people to be what future generations look up to?

What about those times where men had to actually work to get a woman’s heart? Where a man would wait wait outside your bedroom window holding a jukebox over his head to get you back (I will make ‘Say Anything’ references for the rest of my life), or lay his coat down a puddle of mud so you can step on it (does it really work, or does the mud kind of seep through the fabric?)? Maybe I should go easy on the movies. But I stand by my point.

And something that I particularly do not like about this generation is the tv shows. Honestly, Disney Channel shows have been going downhill since shows like Wizards Of Waverly Place, The Suite Life, etc. ended. And in my opinion, those shows are still nothing compared to ‘That’s So Raven’, ‘Phil Of The Future’ and ‘Lizzie McGuire’. I honestly think that the 90’s had the last sliver of whatever made past generations not suck. And then the music. The freakin music. I have nothing against Lady Gaga okay. She’s amazing (except for all those Christian-insulting songs and videos) and she made a whole new thing out of entertainment with her theatricality not only because of the outrageous costumes but because of her very essence. It was all great when she first started out but now… maybe it’s a little bit too much? I don’t know, that’s my opinion. Honestly, it’s not even that outrageous anymore because so many artist are trying to boost up their theatricality by dressing up in outrageous costumes and doing outrageous dances as well. THEY’RE MAKING IT NORMAL. IT’S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE NORMAL. And another thing: AUTO TUNE. It’s getting overrated. Enough said. And a lot of the top songs now are about partying and clubbing and having sex with sluts they meet on the dance floor, emphasizing on their fuckable asses.

And what’s with all the celebrity fandoms? I’m a part of some very big book fandoms and it’s great knowing that so many people love the things that you love too and that you’re like in a big family and we’re all happy but for the love of all humanity, DO NOT OVERDO IT. For example: Hardcore Beliebers. Justin’s a big boy, girls. He can take care of himself. It’s great that you love him but you don’t need to worship him. I’m not bashing on any JB fans. JB fans can be pretty cool, cause we’re all human anyway. Just not the ones who think that Justin should be God. That’s not love; that’s obsession. Sometimes, I can’t help but think people are hating on Justin not because they hate him but because they hate his fans. They can be scarier that the toughest celebrity bouncers. And I have to admit that I find some Directioners annoying too. I am in love with One Direction. I’m mentally married to these guys. They’re hot, they’re funny and they have great music and actual talent. But some Directioners can be extremely annoying. For example, #RespectZaynsReligion was trending on twitter some time ago. I live in a Muslim country. I have always respected Islam. One of my best friends is a Muslim. But I bet that wouldn’t even be on the trending list if Zayn had a different religion. On the bright side, Zayn Malik may have really encouraged more people to genuinely respect all Muslims, but let’s admit that there are more than just a few people there who just respect Zayn and not for his religion. Heck, I bet some of them don’t even know what Islam is.

Okay, I think I’m done ranting for tonight. I’m going to go to sleep now. The world is becoming stupider. 

  So today was a whirlwind of activities. I slept at around 2 am this morning because my damned period chose the right time to spread on my shorts but I stopped the yucky red stuff from touching my bed. This happened twice. Twice in a five-minute period. TWICE.

So anyways, after that I just watched the latest Big Bang Theory episode with a ninja-like manner because my mom was still awake. Needless to say I was successful.

So slept at 2 and woke up at 6 to go to school cause my little brother won an academic award (PROUD OF YA, BRUV!) and then we ate breakfast, and I went back to sleep. When I woke up, however… I got this.

YES. I GOT ACCEPTED INTO ATENEO DE MANILA UNIVERSITY. Man the utter JOY I felt when I read that page! But my exuberance was short-lived because I also got accepted into DE LASALLE UNIVERSITY. And these are two major schools. Two very major schools with a very strong rivalry.

I honestly didn’t think I had the chance to pass the ADMU Entrance test cause I found it hard. Not the kind of hard where you look at the paper and say “Oh this looks difficult but I think I can manage”, it was the kind of test were I was all “SHIT FUCK THE WORLD WHAT CIRCLE SHOULD I SHADE HERE GOES NOTHING WAIT MAYBE THIS IS THE RIGHT ANSWER OH FUCK LOGIC I’LL JUST SHADE THE LETTER C OH WAIT D’s LOOKING GOOD MAYBE I SHOULD JUST SHADE THAT OH NO ERASE ERASE ERASE FUCK MY LIFE I HATE EVERYONE”. And also, I had to write an essay about Education in fifteen minutes. So yes, the test gave me a massive headache afterwards and what went through my head was “I’m not gonna pass this. Not even remotely.” So I always thought DLSU was in my definite future. But now, Ateneo is within my reach, and I just…

I asked God for a favor before I left for my next appointment which was a bowling session with my friends (though I didn’t bowl. I suck). So I was praying.

I said ‘God…please give me a sign. Today at bowling, if I see more of my friends and juniors wearing green shirts than blue, I’m choosing DLSU. If I see more blue shirts, then it’s ADMU.”

So then I was set. But when I got to the bowling center, NONE of my friends were wearing green or blue. NONE. ZIP. ZILCH. NADA. WALA. And then one of our Juniors came trotting in wearing GREEN. So I was like “OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG THIS IS IT I’M GOING TO DLSU”, then another one of our Juniors came and sat down next to the first junior…wearing blue. “FUCK.”

Oh and here’s a picture of our bowling hangout..because I like myself here.

And so, I was back to square one. I’ve been seeing green and blue EVERYWHERE. I swear, it’s no joke. My dad showed me a picture of a grassy golf course with a lake. IT WAS NOTHING BUT GREEN AND BLUE. A sprite can was placed in front of me. GREEN AND BLUE. I look to my Dad, who was sitting on my left side. He’s wearing green. I look to my right and beside me, my brother sports his blue shirt. HECK, I was watching a Thai music video, and there was a guy in a green shirt and a guy in a blue shirt fighting. Coincidence? I THINK NOT.

Although confusing as it is, I had a talk with my parents about it. ADMU is very expensive and since I live far away, I’m gonna have to dorm and commute and whatnot. The Philippines can be scary and that’s what my mom’s worried about. Financially, they could support me but there is a higher chance of me getting mugged, especially since I’d be living alone. But the medical program there is great. And it’s in a medical city and Ateneo is known world-wide so it could come in handy in my resume when I apply for overseas work. DLSU is also widely known, has cheaper tuition fees and I have quite a number of friends who study there including my sister, so I could just live with her instead of paying extra for a dorm room. Plus, the academic programs are also superb. So by choosing DLSU, I’d be helping my parents a lot. But there’s something about Ateneo that’s so attractive. I mean, look at it this way: I wouldn’t have passed that entrance exam if the odds weren’t in my favor (yes, a Hunger Games reference… because I LOVE The Hunger Games). So could it be a sign from the universe, a sign from God himself that maybe…just maybe… I was meant to be an Atenean?

Conclusion: I’m still confused. I feel like freakin Bella Swan on Eclipse. Although her choice seems less important compared to mine. WHICH ONE SHOULD I PICK TO BE MY BOYFRIEND: THE SPARKLING BITCH WHO GETS ME PREGNANT OR THE PEDOPHILIC WOLF WHO IMPRINTS ON THE BABY I GET FROM SPARKLES HERE?. Mine is about my future career. REESE- ONE; BELLA- ZERO. I still can’t believe I used to like those books. Remind me to slap that little fourteen year old when time machines get invented.

• Oh and before I forget: I just wanted to show off my cute headband. It matches my golden highlights and makes me feel Princessy :3